Man #4: Timid Tony

Happy Thanksgiving all! What better way to start your holiday eating fest than with a quick story about love gone wrong...Where did I leave off again? Oh yes...

After all these raging success stories and me always the glutton for punishment, I went back onto the dating site. But this new man seems more promising. Or so I thought…As of now we have been on three dates, all of which are filled with fun witty banter. In my opinion, we have great chemistry and since he doesn’t have any of the flaws as my last suitors (not a serial killer, no children, and not a child himself)…I give us two thumbs up! So far on our 3 dates, we have gone to dinner, a museum and a bar, and finally dinner and a movie. While the conversation has flowed naturally and I feel like I have turned my lady charm up to maximum, there has been no real physical interaction. I forced a hug on him at the end of date 1 and the end of date 2 he asked for one, but other than that, nothing! …nada…not even a peck on the check. On my first date with CC we hadn’t even made it to our goodbyes before he had his tongue down my throat. So what’s wrong with this guy? When we first meet up for a date, there is no hug or touching. If anything there is an awkward wave (usually by him) and a super puzzled expression (contributed by me). All my friends (aka the people how listen to me whine day in and day out about my love life) have suggested that he hasn’t laid a big wet one on me because we were always saying goodbye in public. So, last night, date #3, I decided to let him drive me home. As we walked to his car, he opened my door like the perfect gentleman, which scored him major brownie points. As we started to drive, however, I am immediately annoyed because a. we were driving in a 35 mph zone but he was barely cruising at 25 mph b. because his is not an aggressive driver but does have a lead foot which he uses to “test” his breaks at every stoplight we miss (which was pretty much all of them) c. because I realize I should have used the restroom back at the restaurant, before we got gelato, before I decided to travel an HOUR to get home because every time Timid Tony slammed on the brakes, my seat belt pushed harder on my bladder. Swell! So when we finally made it to my apartment building TT parked on the side of the road. I kept telling myself not to pee in my pants because this was going to be the scene of our first kiss and I felt that peeing in my pants would really ruin it. After awkwardly lingering for a few minutes and running out of small talk, he had made no movement which would suggest he was finally going to lean across the center console to give me our long awaited kiss... so I abruptly got out of the car and hobbled my way to the lobby of my building…yes I had to go that badly. Since he didn’t kiss me when he had the opportunity I assumed he wasn’t interested. But today at 10:37 am he gchatted me and asked me out again. What the What! I’ve decided to give him one more chance to seal the MO deal before I shut yet another failed date down.

If you need reminders about how your love life doesn’t suck so badly or just want a good chuckle…stay tuned for my next installment about Timid Tony!

PS. Unrelated lesson I learned this week: stay on the sidewalk…the prius is exceptionally deadly

Man #3: Spawning Sam

This is a quick one because he lasted maybe 2 days...

Next was a guy with a 6 year old daughter who seemed offended and taken a back that I didn’t want to go out with him because I thought we were in different stages of our lives. Don’t get me wrong…I like kids and want kids but not at 23. And the fact that he was already successful in creating one at my age freaked me out. Also one day during a gchat session he sent me an interview he did for some newspaper that followed him on a date with another woman. Was that supposed to make me jealous? Because it backfired because when I read she had a child too, I said she sounded like a more appropriate match for him. He was not happy. Next!

Lesson Learned: men with babies are even bigger babies themselves.

Man #2: Clingy Chris

So after I shut it down with Cray Cray, I reluctantly re-entered the dating pool and accidentally ran straight into the outstretched arms of Clingy Chris. I’ve never dated anyone younger than me and although he was younger by only 6 months, when I broke up with him it was like kicking a puppy.

Strike 1: hand holding. Hand holding during the movie. Hand holding at dinner. Hand holding while walking. I HATE HAND HOLDING. I would rather chew of my own arm than hold someone’s clammy sweaty palm for more than 45 sec. But every time I pulled my hand away, to let’s say take a giant necessary swig of beer so I could propel myself into a state of drunkenness where I no longer cared about hand holding, he looked like he wanted to cry.

Strike 2: Lack of conversation. Due to his extreme ADD or possibly ADHD, having a conversation with him was like pulling teeth! Lack of conversation led me to find out about...

Strike #3: excessive perspiration. Since we had nothing to talk about I suggested we “watch” a movie at my place, which is code for make out (MO). While things were getting a little hot and heavy, yet still PG-13, all of a sudden I felt a drop on my forehead. I ignored it until a minute later...drop…drop…drop. I opened my eyes and looked up thinking we had a leak in our apartment and to my HORROR, I saw little beads of sweat gathering at his hairline. He noticed I had stopped kissing him, and as I choked back the urge to vomit, he laughed and suggested that he was a little hot. Then, if the few drops weren’t bad enough, he took his hand and tried to brush the sweat back through his hair. Unfortunately his buzzed hair was just long enough that when he did that…the sweat drops sprayed off of his head giving me a nice shower. VOMIT. And then if strikes 1-3 weren’t bad enough…the kiss of death happened...

The dealbreaker: he went into a FACEBOOK relationship after our THIRD date without ever telling me! It just happened to pop up on my news feed one lonely wed afternoon. I kept thinking “who is he in a relationship with?” until my mind went blank…BANG…ME! A few days after that happened + some whiney text messages about “making sure I called him when I got home so he could hear my voice and be reminded that there was someone to care about…” (Double Vom) B told me to shut it down. After dumping CC via text he wrote me a heart felt email about how he was glad he had met me because I am “a great lady with a great lady charm!” In the words of our friend SC...WHAT THE WHAT IS LADY CHARM?!?!

Lesson learned: A. don’t date a younger man and b. find out the definition of lady charm immediately.

Social Ps & Qs: The Subway

As K says, there are "apparently" a disproportionate number of single ladies to single gentlemen in the New York area.  (I hear this, but I swear, every single bar I go to....TOTAL dude fest...but I digress) This leads a gentlewoman to seeking out male interaction at every turn.  Because, God only knows when you will meet that special someone.  So on the subway, I always like to take a gander at my fellow travellors.  But, you will find that the subway is full of a very special mix of people.  When, long ago, they referred to the USA as a "melting pot," I am absolutely sure that they were referring to the NYC Subway System. 

You have your creepy middle-age guys that are TOTALLY staring at your boobs, your well to-do Burberry Coat wearing young women, your immigrants, your teen mothers (hey MTV...I've got a whole new spin off show for you!), your crazzzzzzy homeless people, and sometimes...just sometimes...your hot twenty something suit wearing young men.  Now the key to the subway is to look at all these people, formulate your judgements/hilarious backstories/gauge their attractiveness/etc etc.  BUT you can never make eye contact with these people.  Because I can tell you right now that eye contact is a big bundle of awkward that NOOOOO BODY wants to get into.  It was probably, mostly, totally fine that I was staring down this exceedingly attractive young gent on the subway this morning, but then we made eye contact and it was like the time/space continuum was ripping itself asunder. 

You aren't supposed to stare...your mother taught you that when you were a child, it's rude and probably the most awkward thing EVER.  But when you're on the subway, you are literally jammed up against your fellow travellors....your eyes have to go somewhere!  So you stare, and that's fine because no one is really seeing you stare at them.  Unless they do.  Then it kind of feels like your mama never taught you anything and you were raised by wolves.  Further issues with staring: no matter how much you want to, DO NOT LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR STARE WHEN GAZING UPON A CRAZY HOMELESS PERSON.  DO NOT.  If you make eye contact with a crazy homeless person on the subway, they will come talk to you.  I hate talking to strangers, I hate making "get to know you" type conversation with people I do not in fact know.  The idea of talking to a crazy, psychopathic, and drunk homeless person makes me want to tear off my own skin.

So moral of the story, things I've learned in New York so far: how to cook for myself (somewhat), how to go grocery shopping, how to carry a lot of heavy things for long distances (shopping in NYC is a death match in and of itself), and how to stealthily stare at people like an FBI agent on a covert mission.

Lessons I’ve learned from dating: Man #1

“hey I am a single and hate cheaters and liars. i am 21 my names chad i had enough of them in the past that i don't need any of that crap anymore so I look for someone who is honest, funny, somewhat romantic, kind, loves sports, and beautiful as u”

He had me at liars and cheaters but instead of falling madly in love like Renee and Tom, a HUGE RED WARNING sign went off in my head saying ‘get offline immediately”. According to Patti from Millionaire Matchmaker (Yes I watch that show and yes she is my dating guru) there are 5 single ladies to every 1 single man in New York City (good luck C!). Since I hope to move to New York in the very near future, I thought I would try to lock down a man while my odds are still pretty good in D.C. I had heard tons of success stories using this online dating website (ok really just one story but they were each other’s first online date and they have been together for over 6 months and are madly in love!), so I decided to give it a shot…And holy hell after a mere two months of being on their site I have been through my full share of crazy and further more, that bitch totally lied! So before I give up all hope on dating, B and I decided that I should give it roughly tow more months before I pull the plug on this operation. Whatever funny dating story happens I will report it all to you, for your enjoyment…and trust me…I’ve had my fair share of funny in just two months. So let me catch you up on the past few months of my fabulous dating life.

Man #1: Bat shit crazy Bob

First there was Bat Shit Crazy Bob who was unbelievably attractive but proved to be…certifiably insane or just Cray Cray with capital C’s as B and I liked to call him. The climax of his craziness occurred when he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship…but we hadn’t met yet. Also we would have texting wars, which he would conveniently forget 15 mins later when he would ask me to hang out with him again. Before the first time we were supposed to meet I had to sudden urge to look up past serial killers from Nebraska just to make sure his precious face hadn’t graced the front page of the Nebraska times or something. Hello Red Flag!

Lesson learned: no matter how hot he is, follow your gut feelings. If you feel he might be a serial killer, perhaps rain check on the night hike in the woods.

That's all for my first entry! Stay tuned for Man #2

xox K

Things I Learned This Week

1. The correct response to "What's good?" is "Chillin'"
2. I can actually cook things other than breakfast and pasta (garlic & butter chicken, rice, and asparagus)
3. Going to bed at 11:30 pm is A LOT different than going to bed at 12:15 am (as measured by next day fatigue)
4. Fatigue and dire thirst are not symptoms of the flu, they are symptoms of dehydration.
5. 100 calorie pack Shortbread Cookies are DELICIOUS.
6. You can freeze meats and then just defrost them in microwave RIGHT BEFORE you use them (Instead of letting them go bad sitting in the meat drawer of your refridgerator)
7. You don't have to finish a bottle of wine in one sitting, contrary to popular collegiate belief. (Thanks for the heads up B!)

Jeggings, A Love Letter

Dear Recently Purchased Jeggings,

I went into American Eagle expecting to find teenie bopper clothes and the costume jewelry esque earrings that I was searching for; however, there you were...sitting on the shelf...the answer to all of my prayers.  If you were a lady, I would say that your lady charm was potent and unmistakable.  Since you are not, I will suffice to say that you are soft, comfortable, and so perfect.

Jeggings, I love you most for your look.  While some jeggings are ugly and don't at all pull off the might be jeans look.  You, my dear dear jeggings, look exactly like jeans!  You make it possible for me to wear leggings as pants without the fear of judgement or the possibility of them being awkwardly see-through.  I am currently at work, basking in the the sweatpants-like comfort that you offer.  While it may appear that I am wearing jeans, I am not....I am wearing the most comfortable leggings-in-disguise-as-pants ensemble the world has to offer.

I look forward to our day together and our subsequent meetings and life together.  When you are worn and frayed, I will remember your dedication to me and my comfort.  I hope that this love affair will last until the end of time....or at least until jeggings aren't cool anymore.

Love,
C