Feeling Frustrated. and Confused. and Unsure. and Twenty-Something.

Well I'm into my last week of work (woooohooooo!). Unfortunately, during this week I have to work 11 hour days almost everyday.  Considering that (I think) things with my most recent gentleman caller have totally petered out in the most disappointing way, you'd think I'd welcome a little distraction.  Instead I am full of a mix of emotions.  On the subway this evening (did I get off at 8 pm tonight....yepppppp, fml), I saw my reflection in the window facing me and this is literally what I looked like: head cocked to the side, mouth slightly open, hair slightly messed, blank/dead eyes staring into the distance, and an "I don't give a fuck" aura.  Trust me, not even the crazy homeless people that wildly gesture and make conversation with unwilling participants would have engaged me.

Basically, in recent days, I've had to take the role of the two people who are "above me" in the workplace ladder.  Yes, that means that I am doing my job, two other people's jobs, AND training a new person for a job I'm not qualified for.  11 hours a day, every day (this week...and part of next).  Do I want to kill myself on the daily? Yes.  Am I sooooooo freaking ready to hit the road? HELLLLZZ YES.  Somehow I kind of just keep forgetting that I'm done after next Tuesday though.  And isn't that just life?  Things are sometimes so dark and abysmal that you just can't see the light at the end of the very short tunnel.  Like I was saying a few posts ago, it just kind of feels nothing will ever change and I will be alone forever (or in this case in a shitty job forever).  Clearly this is not the case, clearly I am DONE with the terrible job next week.  It just doesn't seem real.

I guess I need to just start looking on the bright side and expecting change, rather than assuming it will never come around.  I think that's my biggest fault in the real world, I just don't always understand the change going on in my life....even the change I, myself, am creating.  Being a big kid is just super weird and disorienting.  Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to correlate moves I make to be happy with impending positive consequences of those moves.  Meh, I'll probably just keep wandering around aimlessly in the city eating as much meat, and drinking as much beer as humanly possible.....if I ever get time off work.

C's Collected Dating Wisdom, Vol 1

I went through some gchats between myself and C when my boyf and I first started dating in order to give C some of her own advice about that weird, awkward, beginning period with a new boy.  This is for everyone, but especially for C.

• Men suck.  This is why women own and run everything.  This is why the advice in He's Just Not That Into You is flawed: "if he likes you, he'll make it happen."  Men are fucking lazy, especially men our age.  And they're used to girls/women just doing everything.
• I think you need to not give a fuck.
• But I think you should continually ask yourself this question: how engaged is he in who I am? And what I’m doing?  And how interested in his life am I demonstrating myself to be?
• You should take a step back and think logically and not make this the be all, end all.  Because there really are a zillion other fish in the sea
• Yeah, [going on awkward first/second/third dates] blows.  But this is the path you're going to have to travel.
• This is not rocket science.  He likes you.  He's just trying to be semi aloof.
• Just freaking be like “we should hang out this weekend.”  And if he doesn't want to, he'll blow it off.
• Yeah, I know you want a boyfriend.  But you don't want a shitty boyfriend.  And you certainly don't want one that makes you plan everything.
• I mean, there are lots of guys out there that will jump to date you, but in the end guys that are easy to date are more hassle later on.  So you have to deal with a bunch of time consuming/exhausting crap regardless.
• Men who are easy to date are just more time consuming exhausting crap on the backend of things.
• Again I go back to my old mantra: boys are stupid.

Hi, My Name is C, and I'm a Freshman in Life!*

This past weekend, B came to visit and proceded to drink on an empty stomach (even though I had made her some reallllly delicious mac and cheese and hot dogs!), use a straw to drink gin, and vomit all over my bathroom (...ok not like alll over, and more just like in).  We decided this was perfectly fine because she's a freshman in life.

Welcome to freshman year of life.  You will find that you don't really know your alcohol tolerance (in college you only drank beer that had the physical qualities of piss and took obscene amounts to get you drunk), you don't know anything about who you are (funny how you thought you were a grown "adult" freshman year of college when you were 18 years old), you're a little scared to be out on your own, and you have no common sense (Mom, how long are these left overs good for? I cooked them last Monday).

Thankfully you can take some of the lessons you learned in college and apply them to your everyday life.  The lesson that I learned my senior year of college, which has largely been responsible for my current state of mind, is somewhat rooted in NO.  Things I hate: traffic (concerning both people and cars), books that everyone "just loveddddd" but actually suck, idiotic questions, annoying people, and the way I let NO treat me last year.  Sometimes you just need to make mistakes.  Sometimes, regardless of how many times your friends say noooooooo not again!, you just need to keep making a mistake over and over again. 

I was in a weird place in my life and I made some mistakes.  I let boys disrespect me because I didn't know how to respect myself.  In some ways I'm thankful that I did, because a. now I can spot a douchebag from a MILE away and b. it taught me that I don't deserve to be treated poorly, by myself or anyone else.  That's the thing about self empowerment, sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can start the climb. (I hope you're imagining some Miley Cyrus classics playing in the background as you read this)  So, now I take my douchebags with a grain of salt.  I love the bro, and probably will continue to do so until I start looking for someone to, like, marry or something.  They're good, stupid fun...and as long as you keep a handle on it...it's a good time.  It's just like any drug really.  If you over do it and lose yourself, you've lost the very fiber of being that makes you, you.  So don't do that.  My goal is to hold onto my self awareness, keep a watchful eye, and always always remember: I deserve to be treated well.  After all, your bro is my drug.


*Freshman in Life: term created and trademarked by KM