"It’s senseless, at least in the absence of divine agency, to declare that any two people were made for each other, yet we say it all the time, to sustain our belief that it’s sensible for them to pair up. The conceit can turn the search for someone into a search for that someone, which is fated to end in futility or compromise, whether conducted on the Internet or in a ballroom. And yet people find each other, every which way, and often achieve something that they call happiness."

-"Looking for Someone: Sex, love and loneliness on the Internet" by Nick Paumgarten, The New Yorker

"There are the friends you meet for the occasional happy hour, and there are friends with whom you have longstanding Taco Tuesdays. Taco Tuesday means a bottle of wine for each person and peeling back the business-casual mask of the weekday while relaying mortifying tales of performed adulthood to one another. You hit reply all. You cried at your desk. You said “I love you” when you were unprepared or drunk or sober. Any day can be Taco Tuesday. These are the people who fill in your blanks. These are the right people." -What We Have Going for Us, the hairpin

the L word

"Sometimes people say they wish that there were other words for love in English, because in other languages it’s impossible to have relationship problems, I guess? But I really like how we use the same word to describe the swirling quasar of emotion we feel for our wives as we do to describe the way we feel about good pastrami. It’s a present reminder of how feeble language can be when trying to express what it feels like to love and yet how amazing it is that the three most treacly and bankrupt words in the language can, when said by the right person, explode a heart into a star."

-Ask a Dude, the Hairpin

Required Reading

Required reading for any woman who is, has been, or plans to be in a relationship.

I’m In A Great Relationship, So Can I Stop Freaking Out Now?

From the Frisky

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means?

“Now I think moral fiber’s about finding that one thing you really care about. That one, special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn’t so clean. You know what? It doesn’t matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That’s what moral fiber’s all about.”

Dating is really freaking hard.  Like much much harder than I ever imagined it to be.  I was in a relationship almost consecutively from the moment I turned 16 to the moment I turned 21.  During those years, I was content with my situation (for the most part) but always had these grandiose illusions of what joys singledom held.  I was jealous of my friends and their freedom to do whatever they please, with whomever they pleased.  In my ignorance, I thought that being single must be like one awesome, fun ride.  What I didn’t realize was that it was a ride for sure, just one of the rollercoaster variety.  I think the biggest problem is that it is a constant struggle to figure out if the juice is worth the squeeze.  You have to decide how much you’re willing to take before it’s just not worth it anymore.  Before you decide it’s just too much work and too little pay out.

I’m not saying that only the ones that text you back within five minutes are worth keeping…or that you have a right to tear them a new one if they don’t bend to your every wish.  Everyone is busy, some are straight up assholes, and sometimes luck is going to tell you that this just isn’t going to work out.  You need to decide where you fit on this continuum.  This doesn’t just apply to dating, it applies to most interactions you have.  As a twenty something, you’re starting a new life, one that isn’t molded by your college community.  Friendships and relationships are always going to take work.  But you have to decide if these new relationships you’re building are a good fit for your life.  I’m the kind of person that will probably not bend over backwards to find out about another person’s life.  This does not mean I don’t care about you.  But it does mean that I assume that if you have something important going on that you want me to know about, you will just tell me, because that’s what I do.  Friendships for me are not about boundaries and social constructs, they are about sharing life without filter, at breakneck speed, in a stream of conscious format.  If you can’t get on board with this, then we probably are not meant to be best friends.  I think the biggest part of this young life is being ok with things like that…knowing when things aren’t meant to be, when the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze, is one of the hardest things learn.

Dating is like this.  Yes, we were all raised to believe we were special and one of a kind; but, no, dating doesn’t make you feel like that is true.  But what you must realize is that dating DOES reinforce that.  We are all so one of a kind that not everyone fits perfectly with that.  There will be times when things are too hard…where no matter how hard you mash them together, those two puzzles pieces will never perfectly align.  But maybe that’s ok.  Even though it sucks and it hurts to throw that piece back in the box, maybe you’ll be less hurt/frustrated/annoyed/confused/bewildered/rage-black-out.  And in the end, you deserve to be really really outrageously happy, because you are one of a kind.

Rationalizations...

"If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can't afford to be with them. It's not worth the price, even though, just like the Tiffany catalogue, no one tells you what the price is. You set it yourself, and if you're lucky it's reasonable. You have a sense of when you're about to go bankrupt.  Your own sense of self-worth takes the wheel and says, Enough of this shit. Stop making excuses.  No one's that busy at work. No one's allergic to whipped cream. There are too cell phones in Sweden. But most people don't get lucky. They get human. They get crushes. This means you irrationally mortgage what little logic you own to pay for this one thing. This relationship is an impulse buy, and you'll figure out if it's worth it later."

-Sloane Crosley

The Business of Being Twenty-Something

Sometimes I get really ahead of myself about things.  For instance, when I was searching for a new job, every time I would go on an interview somewhere I would launch into incessant planning of how I was going to quit my current job, how I would commute to the new job, what things I could do after work (based on new job’s better location), etc.  All of these things were a little too far in the future to seriously be thinking about.  After all, I didn’t even HAVE the new job to begin with…making all of my plans completely moot.  I’m not really sure why I do this, it probably has something to do with being really nervous about what’s *currently* going on in my life.  Go figure, I like to escape reality.

So this weekend, upon my roommate’s suggestion, we watched “The Business of Being Born.” The film is a documentary which is heavily biased towards propagating natural/home births. (Parenthetical Note: the dramatization of the drugs they give you in the hospital is enough to turn you off drugs for the rest of your life)  The documentary was very interesting and I highly suggest it to anyone, but be warned: lots of bare breasts…and not in a sexy way.  This launched roommate and me into a lengthy discussion of what birth plans we should eventually follow.  Which then devolved into us laughing at how silly our 28,29,30, or 31 year old selves will view the memory of us sitting in our tiny apartment and talking about birthing plans when we were 22 years old.  In fact, I hope that late 20’s/early 30-something me comes back to this blog and reads this very post and cackles with laughter at how silly the whole thing is. 

I would say that I should STOP doing this silly thinking 100 steps ahead thing, but I think maybe it’s a good coping mechanism of sorts.  Even if nothing turns out the way that I predicted it to, at least I can be comforted by the false security of a “plan” in light of the limitless options of the coming days, months, and years.  Being twenty-something is really an exercise in attempting to make ill-informed plans for a future that is so shapeless that it’s terrifying.  So in the meantime, I’m going to blunder through the present and try to figure out what I want for the future.  The best part about being young is that you can change your mind, even the moment after you’ve made it…but before you can laugh at your choices, you have to MAKE some.